Throughout my pregnancy I’ve been known to repeatedly say things like ‘it just doesn’t feel real’, ‘I can’t really imagine it’ and ‘it’s going so quickly’ when asked about how I’m feeling. I think I presumed that the closer my due date got, the more I would feel like I was actually going to have a baby, rather than pregnancy just being a state of mind and a change in my body that I’ve had to get used to (Mr M has taken to calling me a ‘good vessel’).
But as I write this five days prior to my due date, I confess that it still ‘just doesn’t feel real’. Despite baby’s constant jabs in my ribs reminding me that she now has a mind of her own (thank you very much), despite the fact that we have a room in the house we’ve named and decorated as ‘the nursery’, and that I have something the midwives call a ‘hospital bag’ all packed and waiting for what will definitely be the most monumental day in my life, I just cannot imagine leaving the house as two people and coming back as three. All I know is that my life is going to change forever and for the next 18 years and beyond, I’ll be completely responsible for a life other than my own. I’m not sure anything or anyone can prepare you for that.
Friends keep asking me how I feel about labour but the truth is I don’t feel much – again I thought I would feel anxious, scared etc. so close to D-Day, but I’ve had none of that. I’ve found that everyone has their own little piece of advice to give, but the best I’ve been given is to just keep an open mind since things often don’t go to plan. I’m not very good at handling disappointment so my birth plan is that there is no plan. Other than very basic preferences (i.e. if I’m in immense pain give me whatever drugs I need to make it better) I haven’t been very prescriptive at all. As long as our little bambino is delivered safe and sound I really don’t mind how we do it – I feel like it’s very much out of my hands and she will come out as and when she wants to. I’m sure if I have a second baby I will likely want to be much more prepared, but that comes with knowing what to expect and, like everything, you need to experience it for yourself first.
I think the thought of labour doesn’t bother me as it will mean that I get to finally meet our little one. It’s strange, I keep thinking about her tiny little hands and feet but she is completely absent of any other identity in my mind – perhaps because the thought of mine and Mr M’s faces morphed into one is rather disturbing…We’re both hoping that she won’t be too overdue so that we can get her settled and enjoy her first Christmas together so I’m currently putting to the test all of the tricks in the book from drinking raspberry leaf tea, to taking lots of walks, having hot baths and bouncing on my birthing ball…Sorry? No, not that one.
Watch this space! x