What really happens when Mum goes out

mum night out

Nights out are few and far between these days. Not because I’m a bore (well, maybe a little), but because the thought of a 5.30am wake up after three hours sleep and a night on tequilla slammers (told you I’m not a bore) does not fill me with the same giddy excitement that I used to get planning a night out in my pre-baby days.

However, I make an exception for friends’ birthdays and special occasions, and have managed to remove my vomit stained joggers and go ‘out out’ at least five times in the 18 months since becoming a mother. I know, steady on.

mum's night out

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Over those five times I’ve seen some trends emerge…

9am (the morning before)

You tell your husband that he needs to be home from work before 6pm so that you can get ready to leave the house for 6.45.pm.


You decide to get ahead of yourself and straighten your hair whilst giving your feisty toddler her dinner – at least you have leftovers from last night’s dinner – shepherds pie, her favourite. You proudly present her with her dinner and plug in your hair straighteners. No sooner have you done one section of your hair and the toddler’s trying to hand you back her plate ‘no!’…Wtf? You try and ignore her in the hope that she’ll forget she doesn’t want it. *bang, clatter* the plate and its contents are all over your kitchen floor. You make her a cheese sandwich instead and set about cleaning up the mess…oh good, dad’s home on time.


You retreat to your bedroom to straighten your hair. Hair looking good you set to work on your makeup…”Aya!” There’s your toddler, as cute as can be giving you a big wave. “Hiya darling…where’s daddy?” She comes over and climbs up you for a cuddle. Aw, how can you resist?

She starts to pull out the entire contents of your makeup bag which you let her carry on with whilst you apply your foundation – whatever keeps her busy. Aw look, she’s pretending to be mummy putting the blusher brush on her cheeks. Cute!

Oh crap, she’s managed to open the blusher. “Were’s daddy sweetheart? Why don’t you go find him?” You change your voice to ‘not impressed wife’ and shout out to dad…no answer. Shit, she’s digging her nails into the powder and there are red blotches all over your cream carpet, “No Taylor! Give it back to Mummy!” She doesn’t give it back. You have to prise it from her hands. Meltdown ensues. “WHERE THE (Insert profanity here in head) IS DADDY????”


You’ve tried on every outfit in your wardrobe and realised it a) doesn’t fit any more b) you don’t have any shoes, jacket, bag to go with it or c) looks shit. You’re frantically throwing clothes onto the bed and shouting about it not being fair that you can never go shopping anymore because the toddler won’t let you and the hubby doesn’t understand.


You leave the house in your favourite outfit from 2014…You get in the taxi and realise that you never did paint your nails.


You meet your mates in a classy joint (you are classy ladies) where they serve gin and elderflower cocktails in watering cans. You take lots of photos for Instagram – see people, I do have a life away from my child!

Mum night out


You wonder where all of your money’s gone five drinks and £60 later…but it’s okay you’re having a blast and you couldn’t give a damn what time you have to wake up in the morning. Shots anyone?


You go to the toilet and realise that you haven’t text the hubby to tell him you love him or ask about your daughter #BadMum. You decide it will be better to call him instead. You’ve woken him up and he’s not really in the mood to chat. Oops.


You’re having such a good time you decide to go to a club. You obviously go to the one you know that’s always banging and plays ‘sick’ tunes.

You get a taxi to take you across town because your days of tottering around the high street in your heels with no coat are over – you’re a grown woman now, a responsible mother.


You pull up to the club and you’re excited to see that there’s no queue – you don’t ‘do’ queuing these days either. You strut yourself into the club and…it’s completely empty. Aside a few couples on tinder dates smooching in the corner. The party moved on at some point in the last five years and this is not the place to be.

Do you care? Of course you don’t – TLC ‘No Scrubs’ is playing and you feel like you’re 16 again. You order jagerbombs for everyone and get your twerk on. You don’t do crowds these days anyway.


You request 50 Cent ‘In Da Club’ for your mate who’s birthday it is ‘Go shorty, it’s your birthday, we’re gonna party like it’s your birthday’. The DJ tells you that he doesn’t have that one in his collection any more…


Wow. You are so tired. You feel a little bit sick. You need to go home. Right now.




Please no, it can’t be!? No, no, no, no, no, no, no…


Run Jump Scrap!

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31 Comment

  1. Reply
    the frenchie mummy
    July 12, 2016 at 7:01 am

    hahaha, I was going to say: How on earth do you get ready in 45 minutes?! Didn’t happen obviously. I have not been out for a while like that but I reckon I could write exactly the same kind of story. I hope the hangover was not too bad! #TwinklyTuesday
    the frenchie mummy recently posted…Celebrating 2 months bloggingMy Profile

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 11:03 am

      I always think it’s going to take me far less time than it does to get ready! X

    2. Reply
      the frenchie mummy
      July 13, 2016 at 7:05 am

      thanks for unspamming me! #bestandworst
      the frenchie mummy recently posted…You inspired me fabulous ladies!My Profile

  2. Reply
    Sarah @runjumpscrap
    July 12, 2016 at 7:57 am

    You make it to 5am?! Haha! I was asleep by 1am. I laughed out loud at the ‘where is daddy bit?’ So true! You go to get ready and there is always a shadow!!! Great post and I need a night out now! Xx #twinklytuesday

  3. Reply
    Mummy Muckups (Anna)
    July 12, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Oh yes! I have SOOOOO been exactly there!!! That 5 am wake up is beyond anything imaginable. It really, really hurts; more than your blisters. Oh but I will do it again!! #TwinklyTuesday
    Mummy Muckups (Anna) recently posted…NO (d)RIP OFF HERE!My Profile

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 11:02 am

      Oh the blisters, how could I forget?! You’ll have forgotten all about it by the next time! X

  4. Reply
    Muma on the Edge
    July 12, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Oh god I know this feeling all too well – the excitement of a night OUT OUT but spend the following 24-48 (depending on the Jaeger situation) regretting every.sigle.moment of it!!
    Great post – so glad I’m not the only one who struggles to get out the door, gasps at the price of watering can vodka concoctions and then wishes to be anywhere but home come the 5am wake up call!!

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 11:01 am

      Glad you can relate! My Jager situation was bad last weekend! It’s fine though because I’ll forget all about it by the next time I go out out again(probably in another 6 months!!) xx

  5. Reply
    Kim Carberry
    July 12, 2016 at 10:53 am

    hahaha! I love this…
    Jagerbombs always seem like such a good idea at the time….They never are. lol
    Kim Carberry recently posted…Last minute presents for teachers…My Profile

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 10:58 am

      Haha I know – I really do like the taste of them though! They’re dangerous! x

  6. Reply
    Toni @ Gym Bunny Mummy
    July 12, 2016 at 11:25 am

    I don’t go out very often but when I do I make the most of it, then always regret it in the morning! But hey ho, I’ll still do it again 🙂 #TwinklyTuesday
    Toni @ Gym Bunny Mummy recently posted…HOW TO MAKE WORKING FROM HOME WORK FOR YOUMy Profile

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 10:49 pm

      Ha I’m exactly the same! X

  7. Reply
    July 12, 2016 at 12:29 pm

    Exact same in our house! Daddy always lets eldest upstairs to ‘help’ me get ready. Nightmare. Same with wardrobe! Xx

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 10:50 pm

      It is so hard to tell them to go away when they’re being all cute too! Makes it so difficult to get ready 😀 xx

  8. Reply
    Cheryl @ Tea or Wine
    July 12, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Hah hah! Yes I can relate to all of that. It always seems like such a good idea to be out doing shots until 2am until the inevitable 5am wake up call. This will be me next Friday! #TwinklyTuesday
    Cheryl @ Tea or Wine recently posted…The Ongoing School DebacleMy Profile

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 12, 2016 at 10:52 pm

      Well have a great night and just don’t think about the next morning – you can deal with that when it comes!!

  9. Reply
    Leslie Rickerby / Messy Blog
    July 13, 2016 at 7:07 am

    Hahahaha My 3 yo boy plays with my make up when I get ready and I ignore it for the most part too… and then I look at his face with blacks stripes across it and can’t help but laugh when he tells me he’s a tiger. As for the heels..? Nope, can’t do those anymore. Sensible mum shoes now 🙁
    Leslie Rickerby / Messy Blog recently posted…Happy Half Birthday, Paisley – 6 Month Update.My Profile

  10. Reply
    July 13, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    Ha ha! Sounds pretty accurate – apart from the stuff after midnight. I never get that far… #bestandworst

  11. Reply
    July 13, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Bummer my other comment must not have gone into the cyber world!! Loved this post.I’m amazed you get to 5am!! I’m zonked by 1am at the latest. Plus one drink and I may as well be pissed as a fart!! Hope you had an awesome time out and thanks for linking with #bestandworst x
    Sarah recently posted…Best and Worst Week #57My Profile

  12. Reply
    July 13, 2016 at 8:34 pm

    Love it very funny girls nights out sound loads more fun than blokes nights out super post #bestandworst

  13. Reply
    Fran Back With a Bump
    July 14, 2016 at 8:22 am

    You stayed up till 2am. But that’s the middle of the night!!! A late night for me is 11pm! #coolmumclub

  14. Reply
    July 14, 2016 at 8:24 am

    Oh so funny and so true – so with you on the outfit thing and then once you’ve had two drinks you don’t care anyway – why do we stress about it so much! Ouch to the 5am alarm – just no no no! Pjs, film and bottle of wine on the sofa next weekend then?! #Coolmumclub
    justsayingmum recently posted…Losing My Boy To The Teenage YearsMy Profile

  15. Reply
    Coffee & Bubbles
    July 14, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    You hit the nail squarely on the head! But 5 times in 18 months is good going, I’ve gone out out once in 2 years and that was for my work Christmas do!! #coolmumclub

  16. Reply
    Lucy (@Lucy_at_home)
    July 14, 2016 at 2:09 pm

    Oh I love, love, love this! It had me giggling all the way through. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to ask the question, “Where is daddy?” Oh and complaining about never going shopping. And going to call hubby but forgetting it’s late. Brilliant post! #coolmumclub

  17. Reply
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love)
    July 14, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Lol, my getting ready routine is usually me stressing over the fact that hubby’s not home when I needed him to be despite deliberately giving him a time that was 30 minutes too early in the hope that he would actually get there on time! I don’t really drink so haven’t experienced the hell that is the 5am wake-up with a hangover but I can imagine it! Sounds like it was a good night out though! #coolmumclub

  18. Reply
    July 14, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    This is pretty spot on! Since becoming a Mum 4.5 years ago, I’ve had some practice at the getting ready with the kids around thing! Top tip, give them an old blusher brush, a cotton bud and an empty make up lid…plus a box of old bangles. Keeps them happy for ages 😉 If only that worked the following morning though!! aargh, no magic answers for that one (other than beg hubby for a lay in!)
    Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub!
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 33My Profile

  19. Reply
    My Petit Canard
    July 15, 2016 at 12:01 am

    Ha, ha, this sounds about right! I thought it was just my Mr that seemed to disappear somewhere in the house when he was supposed to be on parenting duty 😉 I think you’ve managed a few more nights out than I have in the last two years, and now that baby number two has come along I dont see improving for the foreseeable! Emily #coolmumclub

  20. Reply
    absolutely prabulous
    July 15, 2016 at 1:20 am

    Ba ha haaaaa the DJ not having 50 Cents anymore. Lol! Scrubs…jagerbombs…ouch. It’s funny actually, I’ve read a lot of posts recently about mums going out and I have to say (and I’m glad I’m at a safe distance saying this) bizarrely my energy has got better as I’ve got older! I won’t say how many times I’ve come back at 4am but erm… Love those shoes in the pic by the way! Next time we meet, we’re doing shots 🙂 x #CoolMumClub

  21. Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    July 18, 2016 at 10:12 am

    This is very funny! I think we can all relate to it – even if I go out and don’t drink and have a late night, I always feel so groggy the next morning. And if I do drink (which hasn’t been for a while now!) I just regret it as soon as my head hits the pillow! Why do they always wake up so early on a weekend?! Hope you had lots of fun anyway! Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    1. Reply
      Mum in Brum
      July 20, 2016 at 11:08 am

      It’s like they just know when you really need to sleep! X

  22. Reply
    July 28, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    100% sounds accurate! Mine are a little older now and would probably let me sleep off my hangover, if the hangover ever only lasted a day…
    And honestly who doesn’t have 50 cent “In Da Club” anymore!!! What is the wored coming to!

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