Some days I am a bad mother

Yesterday morning you demanded to sit on my lap at the breakfast bar as I was eating my lunch. You always do this and it doesn’t bother me, in fact I love it. But yesterday you’d been testing me all morning with constant strops and challenges, and I wasn’t in the best of moods. So when you kept scraping your finger through the ketchup and licking it, I told you that I would put you on the floor if you did it again. You did it again so I put you on the floor. An almighty tantrum ensued.

I know it was my fault, I handled it badly. You don’t react to threats and I knew nothing good would come from it. I didn’t feel like ‘positive parenting’ yesterday. I couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t in the mood. I was tired of you.

I know that I’m the adult and you’re barely two years old. I know that you can’t think rationally and you have no other way of expressing your frustrations other than to kick and scream.

I know that you don’t mean to hurt me when I go to get you out of bed in the morning and you throw a tantrum because I’m not your Daddy. I know that when you throw your Cheerios on the floor it’s because you genuinely really want cornflakes and you don’t do it just to annoy me. I know that when I have to force you into your car seat kicking and screaming, it’s not because you’re trying to make us even later for that appointment, you have no concept of time.

But some days I feel like kicking and screaming too. Some days I too find it hard to think rationally. Like the other evening when you screamed ‘No Daddy!’ at me as I started to read you a book in bed. I wanted to cry and tell you to stop being an ungrateful little brat and show some respect to your mother. Some days when I’m trying to help you put on your shoes, or show you how to use a new toy and you scream at me for interfering, I want to storm off like a child shouting ‘do it yourself then!’ Perhaps I have done.

I know that I am the adult, but some days I struggle with it. Some days I don’t have an infinite amount of patience. Some days I am a bad mother. 

I remember when I was a kid myself – those days when I would wonder what the hell was up with mum today. She was being unusually short with me, she was rougher with my hair brush than usual, she was walking fast and dragging me along beside her far less patiently than usual. I didn’t realise that my tantrums had likely been testing her for hours, or that she was running late for an important appointment, or that she’d just hung up after an upsetting phone call…

But the reason why I remember these times is because she was so patient, caring and loving – pretty much all of the time. She was – and still is – a phenomenal mother.

I hope that you’ll forgive me for those days when I am not the mother I want to be. I hope that one day, when you have your own children, you will understand how much love I have for you in every ounce of my being. Some days I am a bad mother. But most of the time I am phenomenal.

And you are a phenomenal daughter.

Mummuddlingthrough

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11 Comment

  1. MMT
    December 9, 2016 at 9:54 am

    Reading this I think we can all see a little bit of ourselves. Your relationship with Taylor reminds me so much of me and the mouse! She is such a daddies girl.
    These feelings don’t make us bad mothers, they make us human beings. Incredibly loving and sensitive ones, and there is nowt wrong with that xxx

  2. Celine Bell
    December 12, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    OMG I hear you. Nice post. I agree with MMT – we are people before parents, and our kids learn from us that life has it’s challenges. x

  3. Celine Bell
    December 12, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    OMG I hear you. Nice post. I agree with MMT – we are people before parents, and our kids learn from us that life has it’s challenges. x

    http://www.bellfrombow.com/the-blog

  4. Emma
    December 15, 2016 at 7:56 am

    I was nodding along to this post. It can be so hard some days. We just need to remember that we are only human and some days will be easier than others. We are always doing our best #CoolMumClub
    Emma recently posted…Blogging is a marathon, not a sprint.My Profile

  5. Alison (MadHouseMum)
    December 15, 2016 at 8:22 am

    I completely understand where your sentiment of being a, ‘bad mother’ is coming from. I feel like that with my teens quite often! However, it IS two way street – even when they are tiny and I think we need to be careful not to be too harsh on ourselves with that label. I think that it’s good for kids to realise that mums get tired, stressed and grumpy too and they need to learn how to react to this appropriately, just as they will have to react to others appropriately who don’t respond to them kindly all the time. We’re all learning, all the time. The fact that you wrote this post shows what a brilliant mum you are, as you are evaluating your parenting – you’re not a bad mum, you’re a fab mum! Alison x #CoolMumClub
    Alison (MadHouseMum) recently posted…All I want for ChristmasMy Profile

  6. Janine
    December 15, 2016 at 10:12 am

    I get you. I really do. Lately my son has absolutely refused to let me help him with his reading, phonics and words and demanding “Daddy do it” instead, just because daddy did it one night because I was busy doing something else, but I had done it with him every single night prior to that. This morning I tried to help straighten his collar and he screamed at me even though every other morning, I’ve had to rugby tackle him into his clothes. My son has really challenging behaviours and I shout a lot which I hate, and so I feel like I could have written this post. Except the part about being a phenomenal mum most days. I don’t feel like that, but I’m trying my best to be one. I love the raw honestly of this post.

    #coolmumclub
    Janine recently posted…Needing ClarificationMy Profile

  7. Becky
    December 15, 2016 at 10:26 am

    This is such a relatable post. At least once a week (sometimes more) I go to sleep feeling like I’ve been a bad mom, promising myself that tomorrow I’ll be better. Before I became a mom I would never have believed how much such a tiny being can test your patience.
    I think the important thing to remember is that no one is perfect and we are all doing our best! The bad days just make us appreciate the good days that little bit more!

    #coolmumclub

  8. […] Parenting, The toddler years […]

  9. MMT
    December 15, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Hey hun, me again popping by from #coolmumclub x
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 51; The Christmas party!My Profile

  10. Claire
    December 16, 2016 at 7:33 pm

    Reading this made me a little tearful. I have been feeling this way myself lately. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone, and I am not failing. xx #coolmumclub

  11. Crummy Mummy
    January 4, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    They do drive us to distraction though – you’d be a saint if you didn’t lose it sometimes!! #coolmumclub
    Crummy Mummy recently posted…Why I can’t wait to be ‘just’ a mumMy Profile

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