Life is pretty great right now. I feel as a family of three we are in such a good place. At almost two and a half years old, I’m enjoying my time with Taylor more than I ever have done before.
I cherish our time together just the two of us when the hubby’s at work. Our family days out are great fun and no longer revolve around strict nap and feeding times. I enjoy having a toddler who can interact with me, I have fun playing games with her and I love how simple pleasures like a trip to the park or a ride on her bike can incite such delight. I don’t even mind soft play these days (#neverthoughtitwouldhappen)….
Yes, toddlerhood certainly has its own challenges – the relentless tantrums and irrational demands are a test on most days…But I’ll take those over the sleepless nights, the insistent crying and the utterly exhausting memories I have of trying to please a newborn baby.
And now I’m about to do it all again.
Of course I’m excited about having our second child, but as I reach the final trimester of this pregnancy, I find I also have many fears which I never expected to have. Fears about going back to those frantic newborn days, fears that the hubby and I will have no time for each other, fears that I won’t be able to cope with two…
But my real fear is that I’ll be losing my baby girl and I’ll never have these times with her again.
Taylor will become our ‘big girl’ overnight and the whole dynamic of our family unit will shift. I fear that my relationship with my little girl won’t be the same, as another baby – who she won’t quite understand – will be taking all of her mummy’s attention.
Will I be able to love her in the same way when I’m exhausted, stressed out or preoccupied with my newborn?
Last week Taylor fell asleep on me during the afternoon on the sofa. My instant reaction was to put her to bed, but instead I stayed there, in that uncomfortable position for over an hour, just cuddling her. I realised that in less than three months time, simple pleasures like these will belong in the past and she won’t be able to have her mummy whenever she chooses.
As every parent knows, the love you have for a child is completely overwhelming. You love them with a fierceness that you can’t explain and you would do anything to make them happy and keep them safe. When you feel so strongly for one child, it’s impossible to imagine that you will be able to love a second child in the same way.
How will I possibly love our second child as much as I love our first?
Of course, I know that I will. In the same way that I could never actually imagine being a mum until Taylor was cradled in my arms, I know that once I meet my baby boy for the first time, these feelings of detachment will disappear forever.
And I know that in the long term, Taylor will love him too. One day I’m sure I will look back on this post and be in awe of how clueless I was about what the future was about to bring. Just as I look back on this post now.
But for now, I’m just hoping that it’s true what they say about baby number two just ‘fitting in’ and being different from the first – I think we’re due a content and peaceful newborn this time around!
Do you have more than one child? Did you experience similar feelings when pregnant with your second child?